not much in particular

5 Celebrities I want to punch...

2009-04-15T20:13:00.012+01:00

Up until last week, this list would have been topped with Lindsay Lohan. Maybe not topped, but she would have featured in it at least once. Last week however, something happened. I was linked to a video advertising a dating site. It featured the young newly single Miss Lohan, completely taking the piss out of herself, or at least the herself that is portrayed in tabloid papers and gossip magazines. It was funny, and she was funny, and she seemed quite chilled out. I immediately didn't want to hit her anymore. In celebration of my new found tolerance for celebrity-kind, I have decided to list 5 famous people that I want to punch square in the mouth.

Jade Goody
Not now she's dead freak. But before, remember when she wasn't a Saint or Princess Diana 2.0? When she was just that fat annoying Essex slapper who got naked on Big Brother and then got a decent PR? Does nobody remember that 6 months ago everybody hated her? Anybody?

Myleene Klass
That Pantene advert just makes me want to stride across that studio, grab her thick, healthy looking hair and use it to repeatedly slam her head into the piano. I really don't know what it is, Myleene Klass never really annoyed me that much, but the way she turns around and says "And Pantene," in that squeaky voice just grates me.

Katie Holmes
Jesus. Wasn't everybody on Dawson's Creek apart from Pacey and the slutty one a complete Douche Bag? Who even understood that show when they were in the target demographic? I bet if you watched it back now you would just think they were pretentious kids trying to look intelligent. Joey was the worst, and she never even put out until right at the end. What a bitch.

Piers Morgan
He is possibly the most annoying man on the planet. He is the definition of smug. If Simon Cowell and David Cameron had a sordid affair and didn't use protection, 9 months later this would be the result. If George Bush was still in office, Piers Morgan would be a very strong counter argument to all those Americans who are anti-abortion.

Keira Knightly
Is she even a person? She is like an ironing board with a face drawn on. She looks more like Skeletor does than Skeletor. Is anyone aware that she can't even act? She plays a posh English girl in every film. Have you seen an interview with her? Keira Knightly is a posh English girl. That isn't acting, it's called being yourself.

Well that was productive wasn't it? You can watch the Lindsay Lohan video here. Peace.

What's in a donk?

2009-03-03T20:55:00.004Z

This is so good. It's the best documentary I have ever seen, ever. I read an article on this Donk thing everyone was crazy about up North in Vice a couple of months back and my friend recently linked me to the video on vbs.tv.

I don't know who my favourite character is, Willie the downs syndrome "harmony mc", the guy that compares Blackout crew to the Beatles or the guy in the record shop who is for some reason convinced that Wigan pier has a donk on it. I also like the fact that Mc Grimezie (known best for his political and provocative lyrics) has a biased opinion on how buzzing (which means good apparently) Burnley is. Burnley looks like a complete shit-hole. If I lived in Burnley I would have killed myself by now, which appears to be what most of the local population are going for with the amount of smack they take and battered sausages they eat.

To be fair to Mc Grimezie though, he does write hard hitting rhymes about things people want to hear and what needs to be said. Things like asylum seekers, Mercedes cars and aliens, you know, important things. I particularly like his fake American accent, it helps me to take him more seriously as a lyricist.

Basically just watch this film. It is one of the weirdest things I have seen since the documentary about the guys who sleep with cars. It won't enlighten you any further as to what exactly a donk is, but it will convince you not to live up north. I'm glad I'm not from there, or I may think this kind of music and behaviour was appropriate. After watching a short clip of the Wigan Pier rave my friend stood open mouthed and said "oh my god, that place looks and sounds like hell. I'm so glad I'm not from up North. This is what happens when people are too cold for too long. It does something wrong to your brain."

She may have a point, but you would never catch Eskimos behaving like that. Watch the documentary, it is amazing, and watch out for the orange girls singing the Katie Perry cover "I kissed a girl and I donk donk donk donk donk donk donk..."

www.vbs.tv

Soapy

2009-02-11T20:02:00.008Z

I was watching Hollyoaks t'other night, which I haven't seen for ages, and as such was viewing it in a fairly objective and detached way. It got me thinking about soaps in general and how they are all dreadful. Apart from Hollyoaks. If you ever happen to find yourself in a soap, here are a few words of advice.

-If you wake up and are in bed with a beautiful girl one of three things could be happening. You are either dreaming, cheating on your even more beautiful and nicer girlfriend or you have just contracted a sexually transmitted disease.
-If you wake up and you are in prison one of four things could be happening. You are either dreaming, innocent, taking the rap for a loved one or you are a baddie. In the latter case, sit tight it is only a matter of time before you walk free.
-If you are planning on getting married, don't. Your wedding will go wrong or the person you are marrying will turn out to be a murderer/psycho/slut/cadaver.
-If you are planning on doing drugs, don't. If you go out, have a couple of drinks, take some street drugs and go home, the next day a comedown will be the least of your worries. By the time you wake up you will almost definitely have a full blow heroin addiction. If you don't then you are one of the lucky ones, but something bad will have happened to you at some point of the night and you will probably be looking forward to a lecture from your parents.
-If you are drinking vodka at lunchtime, do not be alarmed. You are not an alcoholic, you are simply living in the east end of London. Aww, the British working class and their quirky ways.
-If you are getting thrown out of a club and it is still light do not worry. You haven't been there all night, it is merely due to the time constraints of filming a soap that goes out nightly and not having enough hours of darkness to film more than one night time scene between April and September.
-If you are good looking, you are not in the east end of London.

I started writing this when I was feeling much better than I am now, and I cannot figure out how I am going to write a mildly amusing closing line, so I guess you're not going to get one. Deal with it.

UUUUUUUUNNNNNNNGGGGGGG

2009-02-09T20:08:00.006Z

I'm pretty sure all people who listen to dubstep are either stupid, deaf or on far too many drugs to notice if they are either.

- Stupid people like it because they have no opinions of there own, since everybody else seems to be listening to it they feel they must also.
- Deaf people like it because it is overly bassy, which means they can dance to it. I don't know if this is actually true, I just saw it on that movie "It's all gone Pete Tong".
- People who are ketamined up to the nines like it because they don't really know what's going on and people off their rockers on ecstasy-pipes like it because people on ecstasy like anything.

I'm going to come clean about something. When it first started becoming big in 2006 I didn't mind it, or it least I didn't think I minded it, but I was drinking pretty heavily for extended periods of time in 2006. I can't remember what point exactly I realised that it consisted almost entirely of droning depressing bass and repetitive drum riffs, but I definitely remember leaving a dance floor to go home and listen to old school hiphop instrumentals. I have unfortunately never been able to escape dubstep, since the moment I realised I disliked it. It also doesn't help that a lot of my friends thought it was the best thing ever. They might be right, I don't really know. I hope I'm not right, I don't want my friends to be deaf, idiotic drug heads.

That's how hoedowns go down

2009-02-05T22:19:00.003Z

Two of my housemates are going skiing tomorrow, and I said they could take my video camera to record their mad skills on the slopes. I got it out of the cupboard and decided to have a look at all the old footage we took from back in the day. We found one tape of the holiday we took to Rach's caravan down in Devon a couple of years ago. Very amusing stuff. I never realised the extent of our idiocy until we watched over an hour of footage of us not giving a fuck.

There is about half an hour of us driving down there acting like complete teenage morons. We are drinking and smoking the whole way, trying to race against people who don't know we are trying to race them and squirting people with the windscreen wipers. Then we get down to the caravan, and the "film" progresses to the drinking game we invented whilst down there. It involves drink offs, dance offs, rock-paper-scissors and drawing Tupac-esque gangster tattoos on Farrar's back whilst disgustingly drunk.

Whilst it made me realise how immature we were, it also got me thinking. I have started to take life far to seriously. I don't make jokes about back aids, crack or pushing little girls off swings anymore. What I thought would never happen appears to have happened; I have grown up. I turned to my house mate and simultaneously we turned to each other and asked the one of the most horrible questions you could ever ask yourself: "when did we get boring?"

It's not that I want to go back to being an idiot the whole time or even that I think we are boring, but watching back the video I saw a part of myself that has slowly died over the past couple of years. Finishing Uni and finding a job has given me responsibilty and security, but it has also locked away apart of me that I promised myself I would never lose. It made me look at myself and realise that whilst I am completely content with the me that pays coucil tax and electricity bills, I want to get a bit of the old Tom back before I lose him for good and end up being some bitter and cynical chump who lives for the weekend and lets things bother him.

So, from now on you can all expect a lot more dark jokes, snide remarks, childish comments and general retardedness. Basically I'm going to stop giving so much of a crap about what you think of me and if you don't like it then, in the wise words of a guy I used to know; "That's how hoedowns go down!" Peace.

If you can't remember it, it never happened

2009-01-31T19:36:00.007Z

I reckon I would probably hate myself if I met the drunk me. I would probably find myself quite amusing, but there would definitely be strong undertones of anger. When I'm sober, I think I am quite a polite person, however when I'm drunk I turn into a little bit of a wanker. I'm kind of writing this as a little bit of an apology, but a lot of the things I am about to apoligise for will doubtless happen again, so I'm unsure whether that really counts. Well, here it goes regardless.
I am sorry if, when inebriated I have;
-Tried to kiss your girlfriend
-Kissed your girlfriend
-Kicked you in the shin
-Dropped my drink and said you did it in order to acquire a new drink
-Knocked your drink out of your hand and shouted mazzeltov in your face
-Told you to clean up the shards of glass I just made "because someone could really hurt themselves"
-Poured my drink over you when excited
-Convinced you tequila is good for you
-Convinced you your girlfriend won't be mad if you stay out
-Made a whip cracking noise for going home to see your girlfriend
-Made you walk for over half an hour to go to "the best kebab shop" which turns out to be shut
-Made you walk for over an hour to get to "the best party" which turns out to be over
-Told you that it will only take an hour to walk home when I know it will take at least four
-Invited myself to your party
-Invited my friends to you party
-Invited myself to your family BBQ
-Called you to try and get you to come out after 2am
-Made you sit in sub zero temperatures for hours on end so that I can chain smoke roll ups
-Made fun of the way you are dressed
-Made you listen to me for hours while I talk about trainers
-Made you listen to me for hours while I talk about girls
-Come round to your house and systematically explained to you why all the music you listen to is rubbish
-Thrown a traffic cone at you
-Thrown a wheelie bin at you
-Covered you in marker pen when you are sleeping
-Copied everything you say for half an hour
-Respond to 80% of your comments with "your mum is (what you just said)"
-Rubbed my head against your shoulder for extended periods of time
-Tried to scratch halfway through the amazing set you are playing
-Stolen your bike to get home
-Made you walk home with me while I insist I am sober enough to ride your bike
-Left your bike unlocked in the middle of town because I am not sober enough to ride it
-Forgot your name despite the fact that you have told me at least eight times
-Laughed out loud when you told me your name
-Tried to convince you to shave your head
-Convinced you to shave your head
-Used flash photography whilst you are trying to drive your taxi
-Ordered food off you when I know I have no means of paying for it
-Written abuse on your facebook wall
-Confessed my love to you by way of a facebook message
-Eaten everything in your house that has a high salt content
-Eaten everything in your house that has a high sugar content
-Shot you in the leg with an air rifle to wake you up
-Phoned you at 5am to tell you how much I like pizza
-Stolen all the street signs in your area
-Drawn on a wall in your house
-Made you watch "You got served" because I want to say "go home Roger" whenever he comes up on screen
-Kept you awake because of our awesome drinking game we invented that involves a dance off
-Kept you awake because I really want to listen to old school jungle at an obnoxious volume
-Raced you to see whose way home is quicker and cheated by running
-Laughed within 500m of where you are trying to sleep
-Pointed out that you are very small
-Tried to get you to join in with my rendition of "He's got the whole world in his hands"
-Introduced myself to your parents
-Told your parents that I intend to marry you
-Instigated a drinking competition that resulted in your expensive wallpaper and carpet getting covered in your daughters sick
-Knocked on your house at 3am just to say hi
-Duct taped you to a chair
-Talked about myself for an entire evening
-Talked to you at all

Wow, what was meant to start out as a list of two or three things seems to have turned into a short story. If I ever meet myself I will make sure to tell me I am a douche-bag from you.

Because Accidents Happen

2009-01-13T22:21:00.005Z

I got health insurance today. It isn't full on hardcore private healthcare insurance but I have to say, I'm pretty excited nonetheless. This is all the awesome stuff they are going to give me:

£100 optical/year- Sweet, can now buy a pair of media wanker glasses to go with my ironic t-shirt.

£100 dental/year- All I need to do is find a corrupt dentist willing to give me a gold filling I don't need. Then bide my time until there is another world war (it can only be a matter of time.) Gold goes through the roof, I sell the fillings at an inflated price and hire some mercenaries to protect me from the space Nazis.

£400 Consultancies- OK, not really sure what I'm gonna do with this one. I need to work that out before I do something reckless with it. I reckon I will probably end up wasting it when I'm hung-over on a breast implant consultation.

£200 Health screening/year- I know it's boring but I might actually get a check up with this part of it. I probably would be able to go private and that would mean not having to sit around in the waiting room of some skanky doctors surgery full of ill people. On the other hand I might not use it, because I'll probably discover loads of stuff that's wrong with me and have to use the rest of my health insurance fun-tokens on fixing myself.

£300 Alternative remedies- This is clearly a typo or some kind of joke. There is no way an insurance company would give anybody £300 a year to spend on alternative remedies. This blows the door open to all sorts of abuse. I can get acupuncture, massages, weed, aromatherapy and a whole load of other things that don't really make you better. I could probably find a barman willing to write me out a receipt for "rum therapy" and go on a 3 day bender for free.

£10,000 Personal Accident Cover- This is just encouraging me to live more dangerously. I can say what I like to whoever I want, I can get in to all the drunken knife fights I want and I don't have to wear goggles next time I go paint-balling. Pedestrians LOOK BOTH WAYS... I don't thinks so.

Health insurance rocks, and I came up with this list in about half an hour. Imagine what sort of dastardly schemes I could come up with in the next year I have to use all this money. Hmmm, the possibilities. You should get some soon before I start claiming and they realise how stupid they have been.

Stand Offish Behaviour

2009-01-05T21:53:00.002Z

I had a stand off when I went home over Christmas. It was so middle class and non tough guy it was hilarious. Basically, I was on the way to meet my little sister at work. I was walking along with a railing to my left, when I bumped into this guy, who was about 50 years old. We did the typical British bump into someone dance, and I was about to move out of his way when he told me quite abruptly to move. I dislike being told what to do, so instead of heeding his advice this is what happened;

Man: Move
Me: Err excuse me?
Man: You move
Me: I don't think so
Man: Why not?
Me: Well, you were rude. Also in England we drive on the left, the railing is to my left so it is my right of way.
Man: Well I'm not moving
Me: Neither am I, and you're in for a long wait. I have absolutely nothing to do tonight
Frustrated Man: Err, me neither.
[At this point I get out my phone and start sending text messages to my friends]
Me: So what are you up to tonight?
Very Frustrated Man: Going to a concert in the Cathedral
Me: When does it start?
Man at end of his tether: Well now actually
[I continue to send text messages to my friends]
Audibly angry man: FINE! YOU WIN!
[Angry man storms off]

The whole episode lasted for around 10 minutes, and I am pleased that I won. As well as giving me an ego boost it gave me an active demonstration of what happens when two parties refuse to let something go, thank goodness he surrendered when he did, or we could have had another Israel/Palestine fiasco on our hands. Ordinarily I am positively Edwardian with regards to manners and respecting others. If you are however under the misapprehension that you can be rude to me because I am young and presumed to be less stubborn and have a shorter attention span, then I am afraid you are deeply mistaken.

Brotherly Love

2008-12-22T11:13:00.003Z

Who actually cares about Big Brother any more. It's been going on far too long and I'm sure it gets worse and worse every time. I can not be sure about this because I haven't actually watched it in a few years. I had a girlfriend who absolutely loved it and I made her sign a contract one year that stipulated she didn't watch it or talk about it to me. This didn't happen, so perhaps I should sue her for fundamental breach. I can't get that time back however so I'm not sure how the British legal system would go about remedying the situation.

It somehow manages to take over channel 4 all day with it's various idiotic commentary shows each of which seems to be more pointless than the one before it. Big Brother's Little Brother, Big Brother's big mouth and so on. They also talk about it on every other channel and it even manages to feature on the News, and various daily print publications (many of which are not worthy of the title of newspapers). This is probably why it is so inescapable. You watch dribs and drabs of it whilst round friends houses, and sometimes even watch the last ten minutes when waiting for an actual program to start. It seeps in your head over time and then comes a horrible moment when you catch yourself having an opinion on it.

Celebrity Big Brother has now started. Despite the presence of Coolio and the mini fellow from Austin Powers, I will not be watching it. I will not have an opinion on it and I am prepared to sever ties to any relationship I have with anyone who does.

Infernal Machines

2008-12-16T08:48:00.008Z

I'm working on inventing a time machine. Better men have tried, but they did it for the wrong reasons. I'm going to go back in time and tell 14 year old me that shaving may look really cool, and yeah having facial hair does make you look older, but in about 6 years you will have to do it every other day if you want to avoid looking like a tramp. 'Hold off younger me,' I will say, 'the longer you go without shaving now the happier you will be in your early twenties. In the mean time just chuck away the BIC and get a fake ID instead.
I'm also going to go back to 18 year old me and tell him that as annoying as he may find first year lady art students now, in three years time he's going to wish he dumped his girlfriend and got with as many of them as possible. I would have to wear a disguise, so I didn't recognise myself and mess up the space time continuum. Maybe something like this:
If someone dressed like this came up to me now and told me how to live my life I would totally listen to them. He looks like a Hasidic Hercule Poirot on holiday in Ibiza, and that's the sort of person I would take advice from.

Three Places I do want to go and one place I don't

2008-12-15T20:36:00.001Z

Three places I do want to go…

Phnom Penh - The Khmer Rouge were almost as bad ass as Hitler, but not many people in Britain seem to know much about them, or Cambodia in general. I'm not condoning genocide, but the fact it happened means that there are now thousands of AK47's littering the country, and the locals will let you get drunk and shoot them. You may think this is immature of me and you would be correct, but I have always wanted to shoot a machine gun and if they won't let me do it in this country under controlled supervision then I guess I'm going to have to go to South East Asia and do it there whilst inebriated.

Havana – Cuba is possibly the only place on earth where you can smoke a giant cigar while wearing a fedora and not look like a complete douche bag 1930’s Chicago gangster wannabe. The people of Cuba are meant to be super friendly. I watched a documentary the other day about how they all make their own cars out of scrap metal and other old cars. They looked pretty resourceful and drink lots of rum, which I have learnt are two attractive traits in a person. A country full of people like this can only be a good thing.

Ho Chi Minh (Saigon) - I don't give a shit how cheesy or cliché it is, if I ever went to Ho Chi Minh the first thing I would do would be get shit faced on Whisky and do Kung Fu around my hotel room whilst a fan whirred slowly overhead and the Doors played in the background. Then I would send a text to everyone I knew that said 'Saigon. Shit, I'm still only in Saigon.' If anybody text back and said that what I was doing was cliché or stupid, I would know that they were just jealous because I was going up the Mekong Delta to assassinate Marlon Brando while they were sat in England where it was probably raining.

… and one place I don’t

Sydney - Why would anybody even consider going to Australia ever? It is full of Australians and funnel web spiders. Also there are a large number of Aborigines that can't handle their beer yet insist on drinking it, who want to make sure you know that they are still pissed with us for sending all our criminals over there. Imagine how angry you would be if you had just got to grips with the fact that most of the animals where you live could easily kill you and then Ian Huntley and Dr. Shipman circa 1770 show up on your doorstep. No wonder they are angry. Australia is like a giant prison filled with dangerous animals and randomly occurring fires. Why would you want to go to a place like that?