Soapy

I was watching Hollyoaks t'other night, which I haven't seen for ages, and as such was viewing it in a fairly objective and detached way. It got me thinking about soaps in general and how they are all dreadful. Apart from Hollyoaks. If you ever happen to find yourself in a soap, here are a few words of advice.

-If you wake up and are in bed with a beautiful girl one of three things could be happening. You are either dreaming, cheating on your even more beautiful and nicer girlfriend or you have just contracted a sexually transmitted disease.
-If you wake up and you are in prison one of four things could be happening. You are either dreaming, innocent, taking the rap for a loved one or you are a baddie. In the latter case, sit tight it is only a matter of time before you walk free.
-If you are planning on getting married, don't. Your wedding will go wrong or the person you are marrying will turn out to be a murderer/psycho/slut/cadaver.
-If you are planning on doing drugs, don't. If you go out, have a couple of drinks, take some street drugs and go home, the next day a comedown will be the least of your worries. By the time you wake up you will almost definitely have a full blow heroin addiction. If you don't then you are one of the lucky ones, but something bad will have happened to you at some point of the night and you will probably be looking forward to a lecture from your parents.
-If you are drinking vodka at lunchtime, do not be alarmed. You are not an alcoholic, you are simply living in the east end of London. Aww, the British working class and their quirky ways.
-If you are getting thrown out of a club and it is still light do not worry. You haven't been there all night, it is merely due to the time constraints of filming a soap that goes out nightly and not having enough hours of darkness to film more than one night time scene between April and September.
-If you are good looking, you are not in the east end of London.

I started writing this when I was feeling much better than I am now, and I cannot figure out how I am going to write a mildly amusing closing line, so I guess you're not going to get one. Deal with it.