If you can't remember it, it never happened

I reckon I would probably hate myself if I met the drunk me. I would probably find myself quite amusing, but there would definitely be strong undertones of anger. When I'm sober, I think I am quite a polite person, however when I'm drunk I turn into a little bit of a wanker. I'm kind of writing this as a little bit of an apology, but a lot of the things I am about to apoligise for will doubtless happen again, so I'm unsure whether that really counts. Well, here it goes regardless.
I am sorry if, when inebriated I have;
-Tried to kiss your girlfriend
-Kissed your girlfriend
-Kicked you in the shin
-Dropped my drink and said you did it in order to acquire a new drink
-Knocked your drink out of your hand and shouted mazzeltov in your face
-Told you to clean up the shards of glass I just made "because someone could really hurt themselves"
-Poured my drink over you when excited
-Convinced you tequila is good for you
-Convinced you your girlfriend won't be mad if you stay out
-Made a whip cracking noise for going home to see your girlfriend
-Made you walk for over half an hour to go to "the best kebab shop" which turns out to be shut
-Made you walk for over an hour to get to "the best party" which turns out to be over
-Told you that it will only take an hour to walk home when I know it will take at least four
-Invited myself to your party
-Invited my friends to you party
-Invited myself to your family BBQ
-Called you to try and get you to come out after 2am
-Made you sit in sub zero temperatures for hours on end so that I can chain smoke roll ups
-Made fun of the way you are dressed
-Made you listen to me for hours while I talk about trainers
-Made you listen to me for hours while I talk about girls
-Come round to your house and systematically explained to you why all the music you listen to is rubbish
-Thrown a traffic cone at you
-Thrown a wheelie bin at you
-Covered you in marker pen when you are sleeping
-Copied everything you say for half an hour
-Respond to 80% of your comments with "your mum is (what you just said)"
-Rubbed my head against your shoulder for extended periods of time
-Tried to scratch halfway through the amazing set you are playing
-Stolen your bike to get home
-Made you walk home with me while I insist I am sober enough to ride your bike
-Left your bike unlocked in the middle of town because I am not sober enough to ride it
-Forgot your name despite the fact that you have told me at least eight times
-Laughed out loud when you told me your name
-Tried to convince you to shave your head
-Convinced you to shave your head
-Used flash photography whilst you are trying to drive your taxi
-Ordered food off you when I know I have no means of paying for it
-Written abuse on your facebook wall
-Confessed my love to you by way of a facebook message
-Eaten everything in your house that has a high salt content
-Eaten everything in your house that has a high sugar content
-Shot you in the leg with an air rifle to wake you up
-Phoned you at 5am to tell you how much I like pizza
-Stolen all the street signs in your area
-Drawn on a wall in your house
-Made you watch "You got served" because I want to say "go home Roger" whenever he comes up on screen
-Kept you awake because of our awesome drinking game we invented that involves a dance off
-Kept you awake because I really want to listen to old school jungle at an obnoxious volume
-Raced you to see whose way home is quicker and cheated by running
-Laughed within 500m of where you are trying to sleep
-Pointed out that you are very small
-Tried to get you to join in with my rendition of "He's got the whole world in his hands"
-Introduced myself to your parents
-Told your parents that I intend to marry you
-Instigated a drinking competition that resulted in your expensive wallpaper and carpet getting covered in your daughters sick
-Knocked on your house at 3am just to say hi
-Duct taped you to a chair
-Talked about myself for an entire evening
-Talked to you at all

Wow, what was meant to start out as a list of two or three things seems to have turned into a short story. If I ever meet myself I will make sure to tell me I am a douche-bag from you.