Because Accidents Happen

I got health insurance today. It isn't full on hardcore private healthcare insurance but I have to say, I'm pretty excited nonetheless. This is all the awesome stuff they are going to give me:

£100 optical/year- Sweet, can now buy a pair of media wanker glasses to go with my ironic t-shirt.

£100 dental/year- All I need to do is find a corrupt dentist willing to give me a gold filling I don't need. Then bide my time until there is another world war (it can only be a matter of time.) Gold goes through the roof, I sell the fillings at an inflated price and hire some mercenaries to protect me from the space Nazis.

£400 Consultancies- OK, not really sure what I'm gonna do with this one. I need to work that out before I do something reckless with it. I reckon I will probably end up wasting it when I'm hung-over on a breast implant consultation.

£200 Health screening/year- I know it's boring but I might actually get a check up with this part of it. I probably would be able to go private and that would mean not having to sit around in the waiting room of some skanky doctors surgery full of ill people. On the other hand I might not use it, because I'll probably discover loads of stuff that's wrong with me and have to use the rest of my health insurance fun-tokens on fixing myself.

£300 Alternative remedies- This is clearly a typo or some kind of joke. There is no way an insurance company would give anybody £300 a year to spend on alternative remedies. This blows the door open to all sorts of abuse. I can get acupuncture, massages, weed, aromatherapy and a whole load of other things that don't really make you better. I could probably find a barman willing to write me out a receipt for "rum therapy" and go on a 3 day bender for free.

£10,000 Personal Accident Cover- This is just encouraging me to live more dangerously. I can say what I like to whoever I want, I can get in to all the drunken knife fights I want and I don't have to wear goggles next time I go paint-balling. Pedestrians LOOK BOTH WAYS... I don't thinks so.

Health insurance rocks, and I came up with this list in about half an hour. Imagine what sort of dastardly schemes I could come up with in the next year I have to use all this money. Hmmm, the possibilities. You should get some soon before I start claiming and they realise how stupid they have been.