Infernal Machines

I'm working on inventing a time machine. Better men have tried, but they did it for the wrong reasons. I'm going to go back in time and tell 14 year old me that shaving may look really cool, and yeah having facial hair does make you look older, but in about 6 years you will have to do it every other day if you want to avoid looking like a tramp. 'Hold off younger me,' I will say, 'the longer you go without shaving now the happier you will be in your early twenties. In the mean time just chuck away the BIC and get a fake ID instead.
I'm also going to go back to 18 year old me and tell him that as annoying as he may find first year lady art students now, in three years time he's going to wish he dumped his girlfriend and got with as many of them as possible. I would have to wear a disguise, so I didn't recognise myself and mess up the space time continuum. Maybe something like this:
If someone dressed like this came up to me now and told me how to live my life I would totally listen to them. He looks like a Hasidic Hercule Poirot on holiday in Ibiza, and that's the sort of person I would take advice from.